Fat Blokes Sevens 2005

Pictures copyright and courtesy of Rugby Widow and Tukey

apb (the Lardies' scrum-half) reviews Tournament FAQ

So, another Fat Blokes Sevens tournament has come and gone, and the players and supporters will be even now clutching sore parts of their bodies, obtained through "playing", drinking, lurving or any combination of those three...

This year the Lardies were in a group which boasted our tournament organisers: the Flatulant Fairies with Drunken Wasps, Jason's Leopards, and the late entry, No Guts No Glory - a team from Havant RFC filling in for a late cancellation from London Welsh.

Our first match was against the Drunken Wasps, and yours truly was selected as starting scrum-half. A position I've never played before, and it showed! However, the thinner looking DWs were something of a worry for us, until it transpired that their lack of talent made up for their lack of girth, and the Lardies triumphed in a close 17-14 contest.

After an appropriate rest period, we next played the Flatulant Fairies. Having observed them in their previous match against the Leopards, we were confident of a victory which was duly obtained, but not without a few scares - their thin bloke getting away from our thin(ish) bloke to make the first score. I don't know what the final points tally was, but we won it.

Next up the Leopards, and this was the crucial game. The team from Havant were clearly going to make mincemeat of everyone else in the group, so this match was effectively the second-place decider. While FB7s was always about more than just rugby, there is still a rugby element to it, and we Lardies wanted this one. After that defeat on a wet Tuesday night which all but relegated their team, the Harlequin supporting Leopards clearly wanted this too!

It was a hard contest that could have decended into a bit of nastiness, but for the timely intervention by Bisach of London Irish, masquerading as a referee for the afternoon, to calm the atmosphere down. The Leopards eventually won the match - I forget by how many - and that was effectively that for the rugby side of things.

We had a match against Havant which is best not discussed. Suffice to say all our wily schemes about silly pranks to pull involved having the ball to start them, and we never got a sniff! Big up to Havant though, they couldn't help being good and were well into the spirit of the thing. A little less showboating at the tryline next time though, eh lads?!

Quote of the day came from Havant's hooker who, as we went down for the first scrum, said (smiling) "Afternoon. These are my two nephews (indicating the props). Together we weigh 66 stone. Good luck lads!"

So, the Lardies finished third in the group, too good to go forward for the Arse, not good enough for the plate or the "main" competition, which rather fittingly was won by Havant.

So, apart from the unfortunate Timofe, who we rather belatedly remembered was captaining the victorious "Rest of the World" team for the 10s game, the rest of us retired to the bar for a couple of sherbets.

Some excellent banter from nearly all the teams and their supporters, particularly the Worcester Wobblers who, whenever a particular Drunken Wasps scored against them in the Arse semi-final, were heard to sing "You're thin, and you know you are". "The poor lad", I hear you thinking, but the boy had a six pack and was about twelve, and deserved everything he got!

The presentation was made by no less than the newly elected President of the RFU, and the entertainment was provided once again by the excellent Gagging Ferrets, giving us their unlikely blend of Led Zeppelin/Wurzels mix. They really have to be seen and heard to be believed, and how Eek_the_Weeble had the energy to play and sing I'll never know! Once their set had finished, it was back inside for the disco, beer, port and brandy-snorting.

A massive thanks to all who put this tournament on - the Fairies, Eek himself (obviously), our generous hosts Abbey RFC, the Wasps medical team and all those teams who came and entered into the spirit of Tournament FAQ, regardless of any residual talent for rugby they may have had. To those who played as if this was the World Cup (and you all know who you are), don't bother coming next year, eh?