Leeds Lardies at the Fat Bloke Sevens 2003

All pictures copyright and courtesy of Rugby Widow, Timofe and Skibum

The Ballard of Lard Lardisson

We played the Henley Hippos
Who were all out to win
We actually beat a man one time -
Three more came piling in

Henley were just warming up
A try! A try! A try!
"Are you going to join in?"
Asked that Ashley Rowden guy

And then a show of weakness
A pass outside to t'wing
A sprint; an interception
And our man was running in!

So we lost to Henley Hippos -
No great shame in that -
They won the competition
The serious-playing t**ts!

Next came the Drunken Waspies
Lithe, young and looking fit
Was this the Fat Bloke Sevens?
This lot were taking t'Mick

The Lardies lined against them
Would this be another loss?
They kicked the ball to t'touchline
And the Lardies ran across

They pressed the Lardies deeply
Many times the maul was brought
But the Lardies stood up mighty
And the Waspies all fell short

After many mins of playing
A try! A try! A try!
But this time to the Lardies!
Where's that Ashley Rowden guy?

The ref had blown the whistle
Lardies had ruled the joint
We came, we saw, we conquered
Four tries and a bonus point!

And then the Durham Wobblers
They led a merry dance
Also known as Durham Uni
We never stood a chance

They darted and they shimmied
Side-stepped, we came up dry
The Lardies were left standing
Didn't even score a try

Tim questioned Eek The Weeble
Just working on a hunch
"Is this the Fat Bloke Sevens?
I could eat those lads for lunch!"

Eek smiled rather thinly
"Don't give up on it just yet!
They were a twelfth-hour entry -
We took what we could get"

So the Lardies weathered fairly
Came third within our group
A rest: an hour til t'quarters
To t'tent we slowly trooped

Each game we'd gotten better
T'Lardies had become a team
Optimism rampant
Of potteryware we dreamed

For we now were entered
Into t'spoon - a bit of farce
Official title "Wooden Spoon"
But really "Fairy Arse"

This WAS the Fat Bloke Sevens -
Never mind those serious folk -
Full of biffers, lumps and lardies
For a laugh and for a joke

So we waited for the drawing
Baited breath and furtive eye
Who would t'Lardies face in t'quarters?
Trumpets please: we'd got a bye!

How the Lardies celebrated
Craic was mighty - party time!
'Nother hour without exhertion
And Jim's sausages were fine!

So two hours between the playings
Therefore time to cool right down
Would the Lardies do a Gloucester
In the semi-final round?

But thirty-five degree heat
Would not let our boys get cold
Next up were the Fat Cats
And the story'll now be told

Some of them looked like granite -
Chiselled from solid rock -
But some of them were softies
Struggling round the block

At last real opposition
Last minute: twelve-ten score
The Lardies made one final run
And managed one try more!

So scraping through at twelve-fifteen
The Lardies were euphoric
Main pitch exhibition match
And Lardy lads were on it

We trolled to Henley's grandstand pitch
Where hundreds watched with glee
"Play for the Blobs? I'd love to mate,
But taking pictures, me..."

Four Lardies joined the team of Blobs
Our opposition t'other
Old Fat Bastards vs t'Blobs
And none of them a runner

Many laughs from Starmer-Smith
As all t'lads did their best
They were light entertainment
Compared wi' t'Army and the rest

Ten long minutes later
And the crowd had had a ball
Three tries each was the result
And the the score was nineteen all

Latter Day Saints and all to play
It was the Fairy Final
Would the Lardies all stand tall
Or be contents of urinals?

They looked quite good, these Saintly ones,
Quite sizeable, but quick
But Leeds' defence was big and strong
As if it were made of brick

They battered us to no avail
Then a long kick was sent
Leedsexile chased, returned to score
The try of Tournament FAQ!

Three tries to nil and nineteen points
The Lardies won the game!
Those twelve men had grabbed the arse
They'd never felt the same!

To presentation and great shouts
From London Irish fans
The efforts of the previous hours
Left cheeks within our hands!

We kissed that arse with great aplomb
Oh how people did cheer
So what d'ya think lads, shall we do
The same again next year?